One of the reasons I enjoy blogging is learning from other parents. The more we engage, the more I realize that we’re really quite similar..even if they live on the other side of the globe. Such is the case with, Dominique Goh, a Singaporean elementary school teacher, freelance writer and mom of 3. I recently asked the blogger of Dominique’s Desk a few questions on parenting in Singapore & I confirmed that it is a small world after all.

What can we learn from your culture that would allow us to be better parents?

Our climate in Singapore is..more community centered then individual focus. Showing mutual respect to people of other races and religions is strongly emphasized here as we have aim to be a multicultural and multi religious country. It is also stated in our national pledge

To show tolerance to others and accept the fact that everyone is entitled to their own religion and views have kept the people in our island nature away from rioting and violence.  By being better persons we in turn are able to focus more on our own families as we do not need to worry about political instability, racial tensions and other related issues.

Do you still teach?

I’m currently on NPL (No Pay Leave) and home taking care of my 3 kids.  The only kids I teach are my own.  My hubby and I had agreed that I would stay home during our children’s formative years to give them the best care and guidance that they need. From ages 0-2 years old a child has extremely rapid development both physically and mentally and I want to be there to nurture them every step of the way.

I have seen many of my previous students “neglected” by their parents who were too busy pursuing their corporate career or just making enough for survival and are not able or too exhausted to properly parent their own kids. I don’t want to fall into such a category. As a parent it should be our top priority to give the best to our kids.

With 3 children, how do you keep your mind fresh & fulfilled throughout your day?

Having 3 hyperactive kids – 21 months, 5yrs old & 8 yrs old, a lot of my energies get expanded on them on a daily basis. I keep myself active through blogging, interacting online with friends and clients, reading books, cooking and baking. Setting aside time for myself to do things which I love amidst teaching and interacting with the kids and household chores keeps me going from dusk to dawn.

I do schedule activities to do with each child on a daily basis so that I am able to spend equal amount of time with each child of mine.

You mentioned (unsolicited by me) that your children are fans of Blue’s Clues & Super Why. How are these programs different than other shows your children might view?

Blue’s Clues & Super Why both have the detective element in the show. Other kids shows which I have seen like Barney, Arthur, Cat in the Hat etc. mostly deal with themes of family, love or just plain fun and entertainment. They do not really show a child how to process information (clues) to solve a bigger problem (issue).

What I like about Blue’s Clues and Super Why is they bring you through the thought process and show the pre-schooler step by step how to analyze what they have at hand to find the answer. It gets the kids more interactive while watching the show and they are able to hone skills which they would need to rely on while they grow up to understand and use (i.e. In the answering of comprehension questions in school)

Sincere thanks Dominique for sharing your thoughts with us!

If you have any cultural attitudes that you feel affect the way you parent, please share them with us below.

..my youngest daughter said to me when I picked her up from school.

She just found out that one of her best friends is moving in a few weeks.

While it’s sad, it’s the second time this has happened to her in two years. That’s two times too much for any 8yr old.

It breaks my heart to see such a happy little girl wrestle with such feelings.

We talked about love & loss.

We talked about how her friend’s family will be much happier there.

We talked about how great it is to know people all over the country and the fun we have when we travel to meet them.

We talked about video chatting and using technology to keep in touch with our distant friends.

But mostly we talked about how nice it is that she can lean on those that live under our roof.

She stopped holding them in

…but woke up this morning with a smile.

[ Feel free to send suggestions that have helped your child manage the “loss” of a friend ]

3 teachers, 3 clues I learned…

On teacher appreciation day (Tues 5/8), I usually think back on my most inspiring teachers, wishing that I could thank them for everything they taught me:

Mr. Walker from Harrington Park Elementary School:
He taught me to write from my heart.  I learned to use writing as a powerful tool to express my point of view.

Mister Fred Rogers:
He taught me, through television, that I can believe in myself.  I also learned how powerful an educational tool television can be.

Dr Rosemarie Truglio at Teachers College, Columbia University (now at Sesame Workshop) taught me about the research on children and television as well as how to maximize the creative to teach.  She gave me the confidence to write my first show, The Magic Library, which turned into PBS’ Super Why!.

What makes the great teachers great is pretty simple to list but it comes with incredible characteristics that would better any parent as well. After all, a strong correlation exists between the growth that goes on inside a home & the learning the continues outside of it.

My list of traits to be an effective teacher, which also holds true to be a great parent, would include the following:

• Belief, Care & Respect for their students & a Strong Understanding of who they are
• Passion for their work
• Creative & Flexible method of teaching

So, go hug a teacher, and thank them for everything they do!

Can’t get no satisfaction in your relationship? Individual & Relationship Coach, Rhona Berens, PhD, CPCC, is a Parent Advocate dedicated to parents’ well being. Rhona’s insights on nurturing a strong, happy & healthy relationship first, which makes for a better parent, resonates with me.  I recently asked her for her “3 Clues” that we need to employ, and as you’ll see, I took her advice for a spin!                      -Angela

Coming up with 3 Clues to Parents’ Daily Relationship Satisfaction is like coming up with 3 healthy foods that every kid will eat. But, since I believe good things come in 3’s, here’s my take on 3 tips to enhance relationship (& personal) fulfillment:

Clue #1: FOLLOW THE 10% RULE

When we try to remedy a problem—like not feeling as close as we used to or want to—we often look for a big solution: e.g., a no-kids vacation; do-or-die weekly dates. What happens? We get overwhelmed by the planning or disappointed when our major efforts don’t cause a major shift in our relationship.

Instead of giving your all, come up with 1 or 2 easier options that take just 10% effort. Why?

(i) When time & energy are at a premium, 10% is about all we can spare

(ii) Because 10% is doable, so is our follow-through and

(iii) If 10% effort helps us connect a little, we might try 10% again. String a few together and we’ve got 100% improvement in how close we feel.

AS:   We can do 10%!  To me, this was like telling myself just work out for 20min…. & then that always turns into a few more minutes, which leads to a few more days.   Our 10%: dinner & drinks just us at the dining table after the kids went to bed.  So nice, like a date…but 10% of the effort. 

CLUE #2: HONOR RIGHTS

Nope, not civil or legal ones, the “I’m as right as you are” kind. It’s human nature to think our perspective & way of doing things (laundry, supervising homework, fill-in-the-blank), is the right way. Yet, in relationships there’s no one right way to do things. If you replace proving you’re right with appreciation for each other’s differences, you enhance mutual respect & closeness.

Still feeling bugged by your spouse’s approach? Nix the criticizing & get genuinely curious: What inspired you to do it like that? What’s important to you about this issue? In other words, stop instructing and start asking questions that enhance understanding (which isn’t the same as agreeing).

AS:   Why is it so hard to do this with a spouse?  It makes so much sense to talk like this with my girls or to write such an approach into my scripts.  But with each other, it comes out as “Why, on Earth can’t you put the dishes in the dishwasher vs the sink?”  So I tried, “Tell me what’s going on here?” & you know what I found out?  This is multi tasking.  Dishes in sink.  Help girls with homework.  Come back & put them in dishwasher.  I felt like a heel.  But an understanding one. 

CLUE #3: ADMIT & MODEL

Our lives are so busy and our plates so full, that parents—especially moms—are multitasking experts who, often, feel guilty about doing things that aren’t kid-focused (in truth, what we feel is shame, but that’s another matter). While guilt’s hard to avoid, it wreaks havoc on relationships & self-care. Instead of letting guilt stop you from spending quality-time with your spouse (or yourself), admit its power.

Instead of complaining about how you can’t do it all, tell your mate what you’d be doing with him (or her) if guilt weren’t a factor. Then, consider this: Research shows that happy parents (with themselves & each other) raise happy kids. So reread Clue #1 and start modeling relationship satisfaction so your kids will know what a great one looks like & how to create it themselves one day. If you don’t teach them, who will?

AS:   Okay, so at night I make my mental lists of all the things I’m supposed to do, forgot to do, feel bad/guilty about what I didn’t do.  Instead, I said them out loud to Greg.  Magic happened.  He took some off my plate, commiserated with me about some & added his own to make me feel better…showcasing a happy, healthy relationship bc at the end of the day that is exactly what we want for our girls, above all else. 

Thanks, Rhona!

With more than 20 years’ experience as an educator and professional mentor, Rhona Berens is a dynamic speaker and inspiring Individual & Relationship Coach. Sign up for Rhona’s free blog-posts at www.parentalliance.com and receive her “5 Quick Tips to Connect” as a thank you.

I recently spoke with Sherwood Schwartz’ grandson, which in hindsight, must have been the impetus for my recent purchase of the full box set of 5 seasons of The Brady Bunch. For starters, my kids have found a new love! Poke fun if you will, but they are glued to the family drama where children are respected, listened to, their problems are identified and rectified in under 22 minutes (sans sass). Now I know why I loved it as well, as a child!

However, as a parent, 22 minutes barely allows us to get the full story from our lower school daughter and double that 22 minutes for our tween.  This is why, over the years, my love is Julie Ross. She is the Executive Director of Parenting Horizons, “an organization devoted to enriching children’s lives through parent and teacher education”. Greg and I have attended many of Julie’s workshops and lectures and have found the information incredibly helpful.

Julie’s latest book, How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years has become our Bible over the years. No really. Our kids refer to it as “The Book” when one of us is off our game & needs a little “help”.

We’re just stepping into a new age with our tween and Julie does an incredible job of explaining the hormonal shift of a child that has a yearning for independence and growth. Just as important, Julie discusses how parents can play unobtrusive, yet “there if you need me”, traffic control throughout this often bumpy ride.

Even George Glass can use a hand with this parenting stuff!

“So, did I tell you about the pot today?” asked our 5th grader at dinner.

Angela and I did the confirmative look at each other to assure that we correctly heard what we had unquestionably just heard from our child. I then carefully crafted, probably my most nonchalant & emotion-less, “No. What happened?”

What followed was an innocent story about a creative, pottery piece in art class.

We often complicate things as parents or assume the worst.

Sometimes a pot is just a pot and a 5th grader should just be a 5th grader.

So, why am I up far too late on this Saturday night before Easter Sunday?   Especially since I just might have beaten this cold bug which had me popping C’s like they were candy & sipping more tea than a small Indian village for over a week?  Well, all’s been going well these days.  Grades, friends, health, caping the toothpaste, etc.  That is, until my 8 year old hits us with her latest idea.

She’s loving the Easter bunny..she’s game for another year of hunting for that basket filled with treats and toys.  HOWEVER, Angela & I were told that we apparently need a little more proof!  “Proof” wasn’t verbatim, but there’s no question that that’s what she was getting at.

Here’s how it went down:

“So, when we put out the carrot and water for the Easter bunny, how about we setup a camera” said my daughter.

“Why would you want to do that?”

“I don’t know. It would just be nice to get a picture.”

So here I am, in need of my pillow, calling upon the Adobe gods to give me one last filter to make this believable.  Then off to my camera I’ll send it (& more importantly, off to my bed) for tomorrow’s early deliberation.  Why don’t I just send her off to college now while I’m at it?!  I’m not going down without a fight!!

In the quest to raise a responsible child, it’s often difficult to provide the motivation for them to tackle their day to day tasks without constant parental reminders…better known as nagging. While old fashioned sticker charts have helped this process for many, there’s not much depth to them, so their use naturally tapers off after a brief period of time.

The Silicon Valley company, “Got Clues” (no, no relation to Blue’s Clues) was excited to share their app iRewardChart with us. Their app takes this reward chart concept and converts it into a well oiled, customizeable and interactive app for your mobile device. It’s loaded with many great features, including your child’s option to choose their payout or reward at the end of the timeframe you choose. iRewardChart has won the Best Parenting App for past 2 yrs and has been on NBCs Today show, CNN, HuffPost & many others.

As much as we all need a little help as parents, kids need some more acknowledgement of their positive choices/actions…iRewardChart could benefit us all.

I’m giving away FREE copies of iRewardChart to the first 5 people that LIKE the Angela’s Clues fanpage. Already liked the Facebook page? Then simply comment on the iRewards post below or on the Fb page. Good luck!

The question woke me up at 4am last night, “Why am I so bothered, as a parent, that a 2nd grader went to see the Hunger Games movie yesterday?”

Why?

And then it came to me. It’s because of Teachers College, Columbia University.  Seriously.

I went into television because I didn’t like much of what was on tv for kids.  And so I studied the effects of media on kids.  And, the differences in which children perceive and understand the world is correlated to the way children understand media, What children perceive as “real” and what they perceive as “fantasy” is the main area of distinction.  Kids will model what cartoons do.  Cartoons!  And, if you ask a young child they will tell you that a cartoon is not real.  But then why do they often show some aggression after they watch cartoon violence?  It’s because the line is very blurred between reality and fantasy…and continues to be more and more unclear.

A movie, written from the point of view of a child, in a “realistic” yet futuristic setting, where you are literally surrounded by the story and enveloped into the world can create a strong emotional response among children.  And watching children killing children for survival could cause fear and worry into those kids who are not developmentally ready (prior to age 13, depending on the child).

Is that really entertainment?

I reached out to friend and colleague, Dr. Roberta Schomburg, PhD Early Childhood Professor at Carlow University and she says, “Giving children information that raises fears will, in the long run undermine children’s sense of security and trust that the world is a good place to be.”

To me, it’s basically the day that childhood is over.  And I remember that day.

Do you?

Send me in comments about when you watched or saw something you weren’t ready for.  Did you sleep with the lights on after the Thriller video?  Cry after seeing a particular movie in the theater? Did you view your world differently moving forward?